Silly Predictions for 2009
Jan 04, 2009 21:35:28

Yesterday, I posted the serious 2009 predictions. Today, the silly ones. Enjoy, and please note that all persons and organizations referenced are for comedic value only. I shouldn't have to say that, but one never can tell with this bunch. :)

1. Brad McQuaid will sign on with NCsoft to work on a triple-A hardcore fantasy title. Upon hearing the news, Bartle quips, "I would have played that game already, but Vanguard wouldn't run on my VAX."

2. Scott Jennings will have a men's room argument with his current employer regarding the choice of hand soap and end up doing a short stint at Denny's before being picked up by Acclaim to work on Hannah Montana Universe. His follow-up blog posts raise the worldwide standard for blog-fury and the term "Lumfuriated" is coined.

3. In a surprise turn of events, Richard Garriott is purchased by Rob Pardo and placed in a glass case at Blizzard HQ. Rob goes on record saying he did it "to preserve the genre."

4. Raph Koster gets tired of looking at 2D sprite graphics and spins off a new division of his company called AntialiasedPlace. The Metaplace engine is adapted to build triple-A MMOs. McQuaid downloads the SDK and claims victory over Blizzard 13 hours later.

5. Scott Hartsman bails on his newly founded organization when tempted away by John Romero who announces he's obtained $60 million in venture capital to develop an MMO based on the motion picture, Madagascar. Bartle hails the project as "the next big thing." Scott adds nipples to the animals just prior to launch. The ESRB flips out.

6. This year the MMO luminary to crack under the crazy is Jack Emmert. When Champions get panned in favor of DC Universe, he'll write a nasty blog post comparing John Smedley to a little-known villain from the little-known Champions IP. Everyone will mistakenly assume that the "Unbelievable Brick" is some sort of off-color scat reference.

7. Microtransaction master, Min Kim from Nexon, challenges monthly-subscription guru, Mark Jacobs from Mythic, to a duel to the death at GDC 2009. Mark is given choice of weapons. He chooses lightsabers. When Rich Vogel of Bioware fails to produce working light sabers by high noon, the two decide to have a thumb war instead. Jacobs's huge thumb crushes Min Kim's micro-thumb in 2 out of 3 matches. After the battle, Jacobs gives Min Kim a nuggie. A final devastating blow is dealt when Min Kim is forced to borrow a hat from Daniel James of Three Rings.

8. E3 returns to its former glory as an overindulgent booth-babe and blinky-light festival. AXE body spray places key advertisements and announces record earnings from the high-technology demographic.

9. Funcom funds its XBox development by licensing the models and textures for its Age of Conan characters to Linden Labs. Sony at Home attempts to compete by putting in calls to Mattel regarding Barbie. Mattel refuses.

10. The game journalism world is shook to its foundations when the top 25 game journalists become competitors on American Gladiator. Zenke defeats Webb in the final episode on a wardrobe malfunction technicality.

- Brent

Submitted by Brent on Jan 04, 2009 21:35:28 CST (comments: 6)


Comments:


'Great list!' by QforQ
Submitted on 2009-01-05 00:21:02 CST
I wouldn't mind seeing #10 come true ;)

I think 8 might not be too far off the mark. I'm really interested in how E3 will turn out this year since it's supposed to be a step back to it's former glory.



'zing!' by JamesTaylor
Submitted on 2009-01-05 07:15:55 CST
very creative, love the list

Seriously though, I want Brad McQuaid to have his second coming :(



'Zenke the Conqueror' by Riknas
Submitted on 2009-01-05 12:39:11 CST
I don't know, I can totally see Zenke being a great gladiator-at-arms (In my dreams at least.).

In the coliseum, the crowd roars in excitement , the sun can be seen shining down on the competitors... Zenke clad in his plate golden armor, though he wears no helmet, knowing that it will block is vision, but more importantly, he does not need it.

He needs only his sword and shield, the tools of a true warrior. His eyes scan for the crowd, and sees on the high rise where the emperor, (Known only as "MMO Brent") looks down on the former journalists.

The sound of a horn is heard throughout the coliseum, and likely throughout the countryside.

Yet when it goes quiet, there is an eerie silence to it. All that is heard is the shuffling feet of the gladiators, though Zenke does not move, he conserves his energy, watching his opponent approach him cautiously. When the journalist is halfway across the grounds, Zenke abruptly breaks out into a charge uttering his battle cry, "FOR MASSIVELY!" and the opposing journalist is taken aback, and holds his ground with his two handed sword in a defensive position to block.

Yet the battle is over in less than a minute, and Zenke stands victorious, though he makes no cries of victory, he honors his fallen opponent, and scans the crowd once more, looking up towards "Brent", who has left his seat. Was he impressed, infuriated? We may never know.

Finally giving into his exhaustion though, Zenke falls to his knees and the crowd goes wild for him once more, and cheeto dust fills the air for the victor, falling upon his armor.

*Fade to black*




'Cheeto Dust?' by Beauturkey
Submitted on 2009-01-05 13:21:11 CST
I lol'ed!

*nerd voice*

"Technically, Cheetos make no dust, but give off a waxy, moist layer of yellow cheese..."

:)

Beau




'The World leader in WoW Gold Sales' by as415
Submitted on 2009-03-21 17:48:45 CST
We pride ourselves on service and standards that are hard to find in today's RMT industry. We work hard to be a step ahead of our competitors in customer service, speed, value and price. This is our main focus so it's not something we can be easily defeated in. We feel we have achieved this and we're confident enough to say that we guarantee your satisfaction 100%. You will not find any of our competitors making a claim like that, because even they know they're lacking where we stand out.

Once you order from My MMO World of Warcraft Gold Shop you will see the difference and instantly know why it's better to shop with specialists like us. My MMO WoW Gold Shop was founded by gamers and is run by gamers which gives us a deep understanding of what our customers as gamers want out of an World of Warcraft Gold store. Once you buy WoW Gold from us, you will never shop anywhere else, that's our guarantee. Buy World of Warcraft Gold from us once and you'll understand the difference we can make with our exceptionally high quality standards. This is what keeps everyone coming back to My MMO World of Warcraft Gold Shop time and time again.
---------------------------
Not to sure what you are trying to say..I mean is it or is it not.

Anyhow I know I am rambling but try to see it from someone reading it the first time without thinking about it first.
------------------------------
thomas
---------------------------
[url=http://mymmoshop.com/buy/world-of-warcraft-us/gold/index.php]Luwow Goldman[/url]-Luwow Goldman



'Luwow Goldman' by as415
Submitted on 2009-03-21 17:53:41 CST
hi
Submitted on 2009-03-21 17:48:45 CST
We pride ourselves on service and standards that are hard to find in today\'s RMT industry. We work hard to be a step ahead of our competitors in customer service, speed, value and price. This is our main focus so it\'s not something we can be easily defeated in. We feel we have achieved this and we\'re confident enough to say that we guarantee your satisfaction 100%. You will not find any of our competitors making a claim like that, because even they know they\'re lacking where we stand out.


---------------------------
Not to sure what you are trying to say..I mean is it or is it not.

Anyhow I know I am rambling but try to see it from someone reading it the first time without thinking about it first.
------------------------------
thomas
---------------------------
Luwow Goldman-Luwow Goldman




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